I was lucky no-one bought it then, because when I actually did
sell it in 2014 I got $5.50 per meter. Now nearby properties are
selling for upwards of $30 meter and are often being bought by
locals rather than expats or Chinese. That’s very high for ordi-
nary land and prices will certainly crash if another worldwide
economic crisis hits. If you paid cash and you are living there,
then your only problem will come if you want to or need to sell.
Land owners gain when property values shoot up, but almost
everyone else loses. Renters pay more, costs go up. Average peo-
ple who work in high cost areas have to commute long distances
or pay exorbitant rents to live close to work. Shopkeepers are
squeezed by rising rents forcing their prices higher.
But then booms are always followed by busts. Booms are bub-
bles and bubbles always burst at some point, it’s part of their
nature. On the other hand construction booms provide a lot of
jobs and spread a lot of money around. If a lot of big-timers lose
their shirts when it all goes belly up well that’s what speculation
It seems perverse to hope for a bust since a lot of wealth and jobs
are created by those large construction expenditures and a lot of
people will be hard hit when their jobs and income go. Outside
money is a boon to the economy and a lot of Cambodians need to
migrate from the countryside where there’s little money or oppor-
tunities and into the cities where the potential for success exists,
but still a bust would be welcome in some ways. For one thing, it
would stop in its tracks the building of high rises where no mar-
ket exists.
Who wants a lot of Gold Tower 42s around; that is, steel skele-
tons of buildings that may never be finished. The space oversup-
ply also exists in the office sector and malls. It took years for
Vattanak Tower one of the first to build high to rent a major-
ity of it’s space and a lot of malls are going through hard times,
and yet they are still coming. All this construction is happening
as if Cambodia was a middle class country, but a majority of
Phnom Penh’s people are still scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Boom and bust cycles are not inevitable. Two years ago it was
clear that a condo oversupply was on the horizon, at that point a
moratorium on new condo construction would’ve been in order.
Less people would’ve been employed but their jobs would’ve
lasted longer. There are now about 50,000 people working in the
construction sector. In event of a crash most will lose their jobs.
So the choice is 50,000 now diving to 10,000 in a crash or 25,000
steady (numbers are theoretical).
What would justify a 41 story building in a sleepy little town of
60,000 people? A hotel with hundreds of rooms? An office
building with the capacity to accommodate all the current of-
fices in Kampot several times? Depending on the building’s
footprint there could be hundreds of expensive condos. Space in
buildings that tall is necessarily pricey, it costs more to build
high. It’s all very mysterious, you see, since there’s been no
official announcement or architect’s drawings, only hearsay and
a sturdy perimeter construction fence. And that’s all before beg-
ging the question of who would want to live there.
There is another potential use which I discovered after I wrote
the above, but I’ll come to that later after recapping the condo
situation in Phnom Penh. There are about 9,000 condos in the
capital today, but by 2020, there’ll be about 38,000. I have to
say, after reading four different articles about condos in Phnom
Penh, I’m a bit confused when it comes to numbers. One thing
that’s clear is that, contrary to the bragging of some owners that
their units are selling briskly, most new ones are going very
sluggishly. Some months ago a new building with 220 units had
sold only ten by opening day, not a good start. Moreover, half of
the units already built are still available.
One factor of agreement is that most buyers are foreigners com-
ing from China, Hong Kong, Singapore and Taiwan and almost
all of those are being bought for speculation. It’s somewhat un-
derstandable why those nationalities (except Taiwan) in particu-
lar are eager buyers since a very high percentage of their people
are high rise dwellers. That only applies to China’s cities, of
course. The vast majority spend their lives in little cubicles high
up in the air so they’re used to the idea, think it’s quite normal.
But this is Cambodia with a small population and lots of land.
Khmers are not used that kind of living so the only likely buyers
are also from those countries.
There’s a disconnect between how easy it is to finance and build
those things here and the number of likely owners/renters who
might occupy them. One certain result of that disconnect is the
softening of rents in the city. With massive oversupply there’ll
be price competition for people to occupy those dwellings and
an accompanying reduction in land values. Land is only worth
hundreds or thousands of dollars per square meter if you can use
it in some way to justify the cost.
As a basic rule of thumb, if you purchase real estate for invest-
ment purposes you need to get a return of 1% a month to recoup
your cost. So for instance, if you pay $100,000 for a building
you need to get $1000 per month in rent and that still means it’ll
take 8 ½ years to get your money back. With maintenance, fig-
ure 10 years and that doesn’t include any profit. With property
sellers asking $200,000 and up for shophouses here in Kampot,
the only way that expense can be justified is if the value of the
property rises because nobody can get $2000 per month rent
here. Newly renovated shops right on the river are renting for
six or seven hundred a month. If you’re buying the property as a
domicile, then it doesn’t matter how much you are paying.
It’s practically a matter of religious faith on the part of a lot of
people that property values always go up. In the long run that
may be true since we live in a finite world where population is
growing, so competition for space will intensify. Nonetheless
there are lots of times when values go down. In the case of
Phnom Penh, the problem will be local oversupply. There’s also
the possibility of global financial problems. I bought land near
Kampot in 2008, just before the financial crash, for $4.60 square
meter. You wouldn’t think a crash in the US would impact land
values here, but two years later in 2010, I couldn’t sell my land
for $2 per meter.
a waste of resources. But as I’ve commented before, the authori-
ties in Cambodia seem to see their worth in how much they can
cover with asphalt.
Nice smooth streets are good. My old Tico makes a lot of jarring,
rattling noises on rough streets. Since Kampot is stated to be a
big tourist destination, lots of money is available to spruce things
up. It took three days to resurface the sea of asphalt surrounding
the durian circle, which had been done only a couple years ago. It
took big equipment and lots of asphalt. In a very rough guess, I’d
say it cost tens of thousands of dollars to do that work.
In contrast, think about other ways that money could be spent.
The only public playground in town, which is enjoyed exten-
sively every clement afternoon by lots of kids, cost $800. It was
built by volunteer expat labor, but labor doesn’t cost much here
so even if we triple the cost of doing something like that by the
government, you could still serve a big part of the city with sev-
eral playgrounds for the cost of one layer of asphalt on the durian
circle. Or how about a public swimming pool so the common
people can have a place to swim on a hot April day? Or how
about hanging a pedestrian walkway off one side of the old
bridge so pedestrians could feel safe and comfortable crossing it?
I don’t think it’d cost more than 10 or 20 grand to construct it.
People would use it just for fun.
Speaking of the durian, the area devoted to the pavement sur-
rounding it is far larger than necessary, even if you look decades
in the future. It wasn’t that long ago that the durian was con-
structed and the raised area around it expanded, but they could’ve
doubled its size and still left more than enough room for traffic.
There are several reasons why excess pavement is not the best
use of land. For one, it’s expensive, asphalt doesn’t come cheap,
and requires maintenance. It’s ugly: There’s nothing esthetically
pleasing about tarmac, whereas anything else you might do with
the space; planters, grass, trees, benches, is far preferable. A
smaller paved area would make it easier and safer for pedestrians
to get to the center. Excessive pavement worsens drainage prob-
lems. Replacing tarmac with planters would allow rain to be ab-
sorbed into the earth rather than need to be carried away in the
sewer system. All in all, a waste of money.
Since all lesser government officials, except for the commune
level, are appointed by the ruling party their major priority is to
please the people on top, rather than the citizens they govern. It
took 2 ½ years after the old bridge was closed by safety concerns
for it to be repaired and put back into use. The people’s wishes
were ignored until the PM came to town. He was asked by locals
Ah, but lets get back to Kampot. An internet search for info on
our planned 41 story building turned up nothing, but a friend
was able to get info on it (don’t know how he did it). According
to the developer, who I understand has not carried through on
many of his projects in the past, the first 5 stories will be a shop-
ping mall, including possibly a Lucky supermarket. The next
five, a data center, the remaining floors penthouse apartments. I
should mention that the lot is very large, it looks like at least a
hectare so it could accommodate a lot more than one 41 story
building. Dozens of shophouses could be built around it.
So a five story shopping mall for Kampot… sounds absurd to
me. Everything costs more in spiffed out malls than in old style
markets and small shops and I can’t imagine
where the trade will come from in funky
Kampot. (I should also mention that I’ve been
wrong before). Sure, people will come to hang
out in its air-con splendor, but spend a lot of
money? I can’t see it. The second part is even
stranger and more absurd: a data center in the
most expensive space in the city? Data centers
can be put anywhere there’s a sufficient sup-
ply of electricity. You get the cheapest land or
space to house it. After all, hardly anybody
works there or goes there so the last thing you
need is expensive space in the heart of town.
Finally, I think the guy is a little mixed up
about what the word penthouse means, but
regardless, those apartments won’t be cheap
and there’ll be hundreds.
There is one other possible use for that build-
ing. I heard from a friend who works high up
in a casino company that the developer is fig-
uring on putting a casino there. The thinking
being that once the tourist port is built and an
immigration post is located, they can claim
Kampot is on the Cambo border to comply
with the law on casinos. Anyway laws don’t mean much when
you have the money to influence the authorities; the casino up
on Bokor Mt. was given an exemption from the rules which
state that casinos can only be located on the country’s borders
with the exception of Naga in Phnom Penh. My friend also
mentioned that the newly installed governor is more amenable
to such uses than his predecessor, and maybe why he was re-
Now a casino would surely justify a tall building as gambling
operators make a lot of money. But it would be a sad day for
Kampot. Casinos bring money laundering, crime and general
sleaze, though I don’t want to taint everyone who gambles. If
the first one is successful, there’ll be a torrent like in Sihanouk-
ville and degrade the Kampot experience. That truly would be
the one thing to drive us away…. but to where?
Another commercial sector that’s new to Kampot is girly bars,
there are three now and more to come. They’re very tame com-
pared to the equivalent in the capital or Sihanoukville, but that
may change: regardless an unwelcome addition to the local
scene. I had been thinking that the government would not allow
that to happen here, but their appearance might be another out-
come of the installation of the new governor, I really don’t
know. On the other hand there are thinly disguised knocking
shops just a stone’s throw from the old market and it doesn’t
seem to be a big deal, you know, live and let live. There’s also
the many KTVs around town where a guy with a basic com-
mand of the local language can go. We’ll see where that goes: I
don’t think it’ll make a difference, though still not preferred.
Meanwhile the city went on a resurfacing rampage last month
laying asphalt on kilometers of streets as well as the giant area
around the Durian traffic circle. Personally, I didn’t see the need
for it as most of what was paved really didn’t need to be: it was
Site of the soon to be Kampot 40 storey tower
good sport, the umpire controls everything and can award a
player with a yellow or red card if they think their hair is shit.
If someone asks you who you support you should not mention
your standing order to The Red Cross.
The fight lasts for 90 minutes but extra time can be added if there
isn’t enough waving from the audience.
If England score grab a nearby man by the head, look into his
eyes and say ‘Ooooo, Bill Beaumont-esque.’ Then kiss him on
the lips.
On football history, you should know that women were banned at
the Brazil World Cup for biting, much to everyone’s relief.
If someone calls you out for being a ‘casual’ impress them with
your knowledge of other big entertainment events like The Voice
or X-Factor. If they don’t know what Gareth Gates sang in the
Pop Idol final then they’re the fucking casual mate.
Avoid using British parts, European porn makers
Stars of the UK porn industry are on all fours after the EU ad-
vised against the use of British private parts in porn products and
merchandise once Brexit takes place. To qualify for free trade
access, at least 55% of a product must originate from an EU
country. British porn stars gathered at a hastily convened coming
together, clearly stressed and anxious at their future employment
prospects. After much panting, moaning and the occasional
scream, the meeting was extended beyond the planned two hours
as members failed to reach a satisfactory climax.
‘I voted Leave because I thought it was the right time to with-
draw. Naturally I was all in favour of a hard Brexit, but I regret it
now,’ said British porn star Donald ‘Donkey Ride’ Fleetwood.
‘The industry is already going down steadily and this is going to
a terrible blow to jobs in porn. Trading conditions suck already
and hang on, I think this one will work and I think we should
have listened to the expert anal-ysts.’
Defiant Leaver Ricky ‘The Dick’ Rixon, however, said that,
unlike him, Brexit couldn’t come quick enough. ‘They think they
can manage without good old British spunk, well them Europor-
nocrats have another think coming,’ he said. ‘No-one makes
council house porn featuring fat middle aged blokes and peroxide
chavs with tattoos going at it on a filthy carpet better than the
Brits. No 30-year-old French women look as convincing as
naughty schoolgirls in 1950s uniforms as British babes do.
They’ll come crawling back to us on their hands and knees, mark
my words. Probably wearing black latex and sweating like pigs,
if I know the Germans.’
However, tearful Remainer Daisy Buck called them both
‘dickheads’, ignoring Rixon’s retort that ‘If there was a dick on
my head, love, you would be sitting on my shoulders’. ‘My ca-
reer is ruined,’ sobbed the girl said to have put the ‘sex’ into Es-
sex. ‘I’ve only ever done manual and oral work all my life
and I don’t know nothing else. My O and A levels aren’t going to
have any relevance in the wider employment market. And I can’t
even work in Europe on the side because I’ve got a Made In Eng-
land tattoo right above my vajazzle.’
to open the bridge and told the local officials to get right on it.
Within three days it was open for traffic and in 10 days it was
improved and upgraded. It’s only suitable for motos, bikes and
pedestrians, and is used every day by 10,000 vehicles. So, in a
city of 60,000 an important part of traffic capacity.
Finally, in a case of government indifference, there’s no will to
slow down traffic on the riverside. Three years after a speeding
Tracing the source of an unwanted bank deposit
A repeated anonymous donor from Stoke has been thrown out
of his home by his wife. John Ewes, 42, occasional smoker,
had been donating to local sperm banks for 22 years and had
never once informed his wife.
Mary Ewes, 42, smoker (we think she was kinda into us), ex-
plained: "I’d only gone into the kitchen to get the “Beating
Baguette”* and there he was, plain as day with his hand beat-
ing as fast as a hummingbirds heart. I shouted “John” and he
looked up at me like a startled puppy but he didn’t bloody
John could have fathered thousands of children or, if the bank
was running a really disgusting side trade, been spread on mil-
lions of sandwiches.
John commented: "I don’t know why I never told her but I
think the feeling of secrecy is what made me want to do it more
and more. Sometimes I was sending in up to fifty pots a week.
I can’t stop and I won’t stop. Mary just has to love me the way
I am or not at all."
A spokesman for the Stoke sperm bank said: "Is that who’s
been doing it? We’ve informed the police multiple times about
these incidents. I would like to take this opportunity to remind
the general public that we do not accept random packets of
sperm sent to us through the post."
*A hardened baguette traditionally used around Stoke to beat
their children*
Palace Bans Prince Philip Dead Pool Entries
In an unusual move Buckingham Palace has banned the UK
from adding Prince Philip to any dead pools around the coun-
Following his recent appearance at the Royal Wedding of
Harry and Meghan, where he looked like he needed a decent
taxidermist rather than a doctor, dead pool members up and
down the country who drew Prince Philip have been rubbing
their hands with glee.
The unprecedented move follows speculation that the elderly
Royal may actually be already dead and was merely propped
up in the carriage for the royal celebrations. Adding fuel to this
rumour is the fact that other Royals are not appearing in public
with him as the contrast between the barely living and the dead
would give the game away.
It is believed that banning dead pools from introducing Prince
Philip in future may coincide with a massive bet placed by
"The TSB and RBS Group" recently stating the actual date of
the Princes death. Coincidentally, the Queens diary has been
cleared for the same date.
Just in; National Holiday announced on 31st July
How to pretend you know about football
NOW is the time to pretend you’re into football, even though
the only player you know is David Beckham. Here is your es-
sential guide to being part of the national frenzy.
The man with the whistle is the umpire. Like tennis, a really
drunk totalled my car and killed a tuk-tuk driver, there’ve been
no changes on the street. Every night, and sometimes in daytime,
you’ll see car drivers going 100kph on the river and motorbikes
going as fast as their vehicles will go. People will die, nothing is
Guess we will keep the tradition going by starting again with a
GSM update I have a feeling it is going to be a while before
this is done. The place is still mostly empty although there are
a few new shops going. Home Food seems to be getting the
most business, although the second level is not as busy as I had
expected, and I have so far only seen tuk and moto drivers
playing pool there. There is a new place
across the courtyard called Purple BBQ &
Pub. While the recent grand opening was
very floral and seemed to have a decent
turn out, I think it may take some time to
catch on the loud and bad Chinese kara-
oke tunes were not a great impression
when I walked by. Next door is Suzie
Wong which, if named after the infamous
Soi Cowboy establishment, is missing
some of its Thai counterpart’ s principle
attractions. The Tropicana has moved
from St. 172 into the middle of GSM and
seems to be getting a mixed crowd of
regulars in the evening. The page will be
checking it out soon. However, GSM has
decided on that the best thing to do to
attract customers would be to start a “Pre-
Flight Party” and have live DJs in the
courtyard every Friday and Saturday
night from 8-12 pm. A lovely idea that
drove out the customers that are support-
ing the current establishments many of whom I assume would
like to have conversations with their companions and instead of
enduring overwhelmingly loud music that is designed to appeal
to teenagers with addiction issues.
Speaking of overly loud music spent a few nights at Sharky’s
on St. 130 this month. Have to say that the management seems
to be doing an excellent job of turning the place around the
Pub Page’s investigative staff did a proper survey appearing on
different nights of the week and at different times and by 8 pm
each evening, there were always a decent mix of at least 30-40
customers. On weekends it was considerably busier. For
drinks there are a lot of specials - perhaps the most popular is
the free flow of draft every day between 5-8 pm for USD 6 and
you can get the same deal for any three hours during the after-
noon on Saturdays and Sundays. Another popular deal is that
if 4 ladies come together they get a free bottle of whiskey, wine
or vodka and only have to pay for the mixes. There is also the
regular happy hour special between 4-8 pm on week nights and
11 am -8 pm on weekends where draft is USD 1, basic spirits
are $2.5 and cocktails are 25% off. If that was not enough,
between 5-9 pm, if you buy a lady drink for one of the friendly
staff, you get a free draft. The kitchen has gone through an-
other transformation and seems to be focusing more on Ameri-
can food again. Overall, lots of reasons to give the new Sharky
a try it is NOT the old Sharky, but, at least on my last trip, as
in one of review of Sharky’s under the old regime that got me
into a bit of trouble, I would recommend that those who do not
want way overloud live music to leave before 9 on Friday and
Saturday. As many know, I am not a live music fan, but the
place was almost unbearable once the band started as none of
the people at my table could hear each other despite the fact
that the vocalist was also inaudible for most of the perform-
ance. To each their own, if you like live music, on Thursday
they are experimenting with a Khmer music night featuring local
bands, regular bands play on Friday and Saturday and Sunday is
still the notorious open mike nights. Beyond the drink specials
and music, if you like a busy, friendly bar with good service, that
seems to be the norm at the new Sharky so far (and they don’t
even pay for me for the mostly good review ).
Tried a relatively new bar on St. 136 called I
get you you get me bar no I did not think it
rolled off the tongue either… despite the
poor choice in name and the intimidatingly
bad entrance way, it was actually a really
nice set up. Fairly bright, spacious, well lit
with a pool table and a mezzanine with some
comfortable looking couches. Music was
kept at a reasonable level and the staff was
attentive without being annoying. Draft is
USD 1.75 a glass or $6.5 for a jug. Most
cans of beer were $2 and bottles, $3.5. Most
spirits were $3.5. Overall, a nice addition to
the way overcrowded St. 136 menagerie.
I should give them props for at least having a
name, as another new bar I wanted to review
had not bothered with one yet. Basically, I
walked along St. 178 towards Norodom until
I found what seemed to be a dark brown
painted storefront with chairs outside. It was
dark, not very welcoming, had no name and
no evidence that it was in use except for a
few lights. However, there is an amazing contrast when you open
the door. While there were not a lot of staff and no menus when I
dropped by, the place looked amazing. It was comfortable, spa-
cious, classy and had a great relaxed vibe. Service was good and
friendly, and I will definitely be back to try it once they get their
act a bit more together. While it seems an odd place to drop a
new bar (particularly when you don’t bother to identify it as a
working establishment), it is actually worth the trip if you are
looking for a nice, quiet place to have a couple of drinks. More
details to follow once they get menus and staff up a bit.
Big new SKIRTS yup had to get my contractual mention in.
They will be moving soon as the Evil Publisher has decided to
bring it in house along with the Pub. Yes, that means that the gen-
eral public will soon be invited into the den of iniquity that rivals
the lair of a typical Bond villain in order to get good pub fare, late
night Japanese ramen and a few pints with some of the hardest
working and friendliest publicans you will meet. All while facing
the Damoclean threat that the Evil Publisher or his motley band of
hooligans might descend at any time to join you in a round or
three. More details on this to follow as well, but the move is over
a month away and is only a few hundred meters up the road so no
Amazingly, I actually have more bars that I have notes on this
week guess I waxed on too much about Sharky’s (since I take a
lot of flack for this, I stress again that it is not the Sharky of 10
years ago but, nowhere is and, from my perspective, despite the
recent and Herculean efforts of its previous Aussie owner, it is
now a lot closer to old Sharky’s than the bar has been for many
years), so I guess I have a running start on next month. Maybe I
will have time to talk about my adventures on the hostess bar trail
with Golem (he has not been on bar tours in many a year and in-
structed me that if I wanted to talk about him I had to clarify that
he is not named the Gollum of LOTR fame, but more resembles
the Jewish walking clay variety).
launch of the little
known project. Cover-
ing 65 hectares it will
boast a casino hotel
(of course) amuse-
ment park, hotel,
malls and a water
The governor of
Sinoukville was con-
tacted but denied any
knowledge of the
huge project casting
At a lavish launch on
Koh Pic island in P.P.
Wisney World was
unveiled to the public
it is a joint venture
between Chinas
AMC International
and Malaysian com-
pany SV Interna-
tional. Government
officials attended the
Volume 05 Issue 09 Wednesday, July 1, 20018 0000 Riel
Election Fever,
Sweats, Cramps
Visitors to the Kingdom will
be heartened this month to
see Cambodians taking to
the streets in large numbers
in a celebration of their
newly found freedoms.
There will also be the sem-
blance of an election.
A spokesperson stressed
the advances made in recent
years. "The streets have
been cleared of litter, union
leaders, and pop singers;
self-censorship of parlia-
ment has reduced hot air and
other dangerous emissions;
and women can walk the
streets alone safe in the
knowledge that certain po-
litical leaders are in self-
imposed exile."
Campaigners were also
touting the government's
new and radical 'oblong
the opposition have been
working on competing geo-
metric tactics, but have so
far been ineffective with
their square dance, vicious
circle, and love triangle.
We were unable to contact
opposition leaders as our
phone lacked international
calling and what qualifies as
“opposition” Cont page 17
A beached truck washed ashore on Sokha beach last month. It is not known whether plastic inges-
tion was responsible for its death. Chinese workers soon descended and cut up the poor creature
Cont Page17
Wisney World to Open in Sinoukville. Maybe?
some doubt over the
validity of the devel-
opment. The two
companies state they
operate a hotel/casino
in Sinoukville but
details of its name or
location were unavail-
Disney world were
contacted by phone on
what seems a blatent
trademark ripoff but
were unable to com-
ment as they thought
we had a bad lisp.
As noted by some
local development
experts, projects be-
tween Chinese and
Malay companies
have never been in-
volved in develop-
ment scam said a
western expert laugh-
ing on the -Cont P 17
About Cambodia
Tens of patrons protest
for right to sell alcohol,
provide 'companionship',
during the election
Page 17
Owner of ugly hostess
bar assumes moral high
ground in battle with
town hall without trace
of irony Page 17
Adultery law. “Only bad
wives take husbands to
court Page 17
Everyone should buy a
helicopter states he who
should be obeyed. Bell-
end to open dealership
Page 17
Older Expatri-
ate Single Male
Guilty On All
Above Counts
NGO was launched this
month in a customary
blaze of publicity.
Against Smug Sanctimo-
nious Harassment Of
Law-abiding Expats
(ASSHOLE) will be
targeting the increasing
number of Westerners
abusing their fellow ex-
patriate's freedoms and
civil liberties with no
legal basis based on a
pious sense of moral
superiority and danger-
ous racist and ageist gen-
der stereotyping.
24/7 observation of
key areas has been
started. While it is ac-
knowledged that less that
1% of those drinking at
the Elephant Bar are
targets, this may ensure
press coverage, greater
funding, and better bo-
nuses for the ED.
A sister organisation,
APLE, has had
success. A sting opera-
tion launched after a 42
year old Belgian national
was seen passing money
to a shoe-shine boy on
the Riverfront caught the
target repeatedly straying
within 10m of children,
and frequenting bars that
also served soft drinks
This is a work of fiction and satire any semblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental
and alcopops. Operatives stak-
ing-out his apartment just 2
km from a school saw regu-
lar deliveries of pizza, a well
known bait for under 16s.
Officers pounced after he bra-
zenly gave a poor young
mother a dollar for her starving
child in an obvious daylight
attempt at purchased bum-
"In someone clearly not
female, middle class, or below
thirty," frothed a spokeswo-
myn, "such behaviour can only
be seen as rampant male devi-
ancy." Continued page 17
"we really had hoped for a little more appreciation for all
of the hard work we've put into raising them at this point,"
Fran stated, eliciting laughter from the other people in
Although authorities strongly suggest against taking such
extreme measures to get a little break from your brat kids
the Druzinskis stayed very positive despite a heavy fine of
"Best money I ever spent," Stan Druzinski said.
"If I was given a second chance I'd do it all over again," Fran
Police force report shows "significant improvement"
The police watchdog announced on Tuesday “Woof, woof, woof.”
No, not really, we just thought we’d open with a joke because the
world is such a terrible place full of shit and hate right now. Stark,
but true.
A police watchdog has actually said: "Humberside police force has
significantly improved."
In the context of Humberside police force, it probably means that
12% of their officers are now able to put their shoes on the correct
Humberside police force was the only police force in England and
Wales to be rated as “inadequate” and it only received such a high
rating because people don’t like seeing swear words on official
A report published in 2016 stated: "Humberside police force has a
limited understanding of the current and future demand for it’s
If you apply that statement to a surgeon you get a bloke who not
only doesn’t turn up to theatre but is likely to remove your leg if
operating on eye cancer.
Humberside police appear not only corrupt they, at times, they
have seemed wilfully stupid to us. We once witnessed a officer
inform a member of the public that they wouldn’t be recording the
theft of their bike as a crime because: "There’s not much point, it’s
only a bike."
A rather scruffy looking man I spoke to at Hull bus station, who
informed me, while vigorously rubbing his gums, was Humberside
Police Chief Constable said:
"Well we’re surprised really because our overall shrug your shoul-
ders attitude to crime hasn’t really changed but hey a wins a win
right? It’s not that difficult to improve when you’re at the bottom
Trump Suffering from Separation Anxiety
Washington, DC - President Trump has just been diagnosed with a
severe case of separation anxiety. The White House refuses to
reveal the cause. Trump's family is with him during all treatments.
Melania is now residing with the President at the White House
with their son Barron. Trump's daughter and son-in-law work with
him. He is surrounded by his family during this difficult time.
Some speculate that Trump's severe bout was triggered by his
troubled relationship with his father, who was always at work and
never home to tuck President Trump into bed. As part of his ther-
apy, Trump was recently spotted sucking his thumb.
"He's like a puppy in his crate on the first night home," acknowl-
edged one White House staffer.
Meanwhile, outrage mounts over Trump's new policy to separate
children from their parents at our nation's borders, leaving children
in cages over many days until their papers can be processed. The
White House has refused to back off the policy despite bipartisan
"Are you saying the anxiety is actually over the outrage from his
new separation policies?" replied the White House staffer with a
wink. "No comment."
Parents of teens attempt to sneak across U.S.
Mexico border to get a break from their kids
In what appears to be a misguided attempt to get a
break from their teenage sons, a Nevada couple
purposefully attempted to cross the U.S./Mexico
border illegally.
According to reports, Stan and Fran Druzinski of
Winnemucca, Nevada were caught attempting to
swim across the Rio Grande near El Paso. The cou-
ple allegedly approached a border patrol officer
saying, "no habla ingles" and "yo no se." It was
later discoverd that "I don't speak english" and "I
don't know" were the only two phrases Mr. Druzin-
ski could remember from three years of spanish
class in high school. The border patrol officer re-
ported something odd about their encounter as the
two sons were quoted as saying, "what the hell are
you doing mom?" while the parents tried to cover
their mouths. Despite his suspicions, the officer
followed protocol, separating the family and send-
ing them to different detention centers.
Throughout the next several weeks the boys were
very disruptive during their stay at Casa Padre, with
several workers describing them as the "worst behaved kids we've
ever had here."
"They kept calling the other kids "dill weeds" and complaining
about the food and lack of Play Station 4s" one employee at the
facility stated.
It wasn't until their deportation hearing that the parents fessed up.
Mrs. Druzinski described her detention as the "most relaxing three
weeks of my life" and Mr. Druzinski stated that he hadn't "had that
much fun since college."
The decision to get themselves arrested seemed to stem from a
recent altercation with their children that neighbors described as
"typically nasty" where both boys hung their parent's underwear
out on a tree in front of the house. There is a long documented
history of incidents where the children were obstinate and disre-
spectful to their parents.
When pressed during the hearing, Stan explained, "we just really
needed a break from them. We love our boys, but they're total bas-
"A lot of the extra points we scored this year were for things we
missed out on last.
"Simple things like spelling “Humberside” correctly and letting
people out of cells when were supposed to.
"It’s just small steps but I think the fact we’re no longer allowing
officers to pick and choose which crimes they investigate is a
really good thing.
"We are also now well aware how unacceptable it is to pursue
inappropriate sexual relationships with vulnerable women who
have been affected by crime."
Robbie Williams humiliates the UK. Again.
Karaoke turn come pop star, Robbie Williams, has again humili-
ated the British people by 'giving the finger' to millions when for
some bizarre reason he was chosen to open the 2018 World Foot-
balling Cup in Russia.
Not content with years of inflicting dreadful music on us, the age-
ing numpty thought it would be all 'rock and roll' to give the bird
to the estimated 340 billion billion viewers who had tuned in, not
to watch Williams.
A typical 40yr old female Robbie fan was reported to have said
"ahh, he's dead good, he's dead fit, i'm going to have Angels
played at my funeral."
Mr Billingsgate-Smythe-Peterson, 76, was a little more discerning.
"Bloody fool. You wouldn't have had Sinatra or Elvis lowering the
tone in such a disgraceful manner. What an outrage. If he were my
grandson, i'd snap that middle digit off his hand and push it up his
bottom. It was good enough for me."
Everything is proceeding exactly as I have foreseen, explains
wise Brexit sage
Two years after the country voted to leave the EU, wise Brexiters
have insisted everything is going exactly to plan.
As the nation reached the second anniversary of voting for Brexit,
some Brexiters have reflected on the many successes it has
brought the country so far.
Simon Williams, a staunch Brexiter and regular retweeter of the
Leave.EU account, told us, “I will be cracking open the cham-
pagne today, as everything is going exactly as I predicted.
“Brexit is definitely happening, and everything around us is won-
derful. Just look around you, can’t you feel it?
“People have selective memories, but I vividly remember telling
everyone just over two years ago that the pound would fall, eco-
nomic growth would slow down, inflation would rise, major em-
ployers would be threatening to leave the country and we’d have a
hamstrung minority government that nobody actually wanted try-
ing to negotiate our Brexit deal with an EU steadfastly refusing to
give us everything we want.
“Yes I did, shut up.”
Friends of Williams have explained that this type of behaviour is
par for the course.
As one explained, “Once he makes up his mind, he never admits
he was wrong, regardless of the evidence to the contrary. We’ve
given up trying to convince him otherwise. He seems happy in his
ignorance and as long he gets his round in, the rest of us can
probably live with it.”
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“We accept anybody’s ravings—we often print them!”
backup in Windows, and our roundup of best external drives.)
2. Next, access your laptop’s innards. On the Aspire E 15, there
is an obvious access door on the underside that’s held in place
with just a few screws. If you are uncertain how to access your
laptop’s parts (or even if you can), refer to the manufacturer web-
site or manual or Youtube.
3. Now, get a small magnetic Philips-head screwdriver and care-
fully remove the screw in the stand-off. This stand-off is needed
to hold the drive in place. Exercise caution because if you drop
that screw and it rolls into your laptop’s innards, you’re in big,
big trouble.
Our laptop came with the mount and screw in place, and most
should, but we have heard
of a laptop missing the
mount and screw. If your
unit doesn’t have one,
you can get one on Ama-
zon for less than $10. The
mounts are usually uni-
versal. That’s a crazy
amount of money for one
screw, but unless you’re willing to A-Team it with Duct tape and
a more generic machine screw, this might be the easiest way.
4. The SSD slots into a roughly 1-inch wide opening. Note the
notches on the SSD and the corresponding nub/s in the slot. Cer-
tain M.2 drives have a single notch on either the right side or left
side of the module, which indicates a B- or M-key drive, respec-
tively. A B key means it can operate at up to x2 PCIe or in
SATA; an M key means it can operate at up to x4 PCIe or SATA.
The WD Blue SATA SSD we used actually has both M- and B-
key notches. These days, two notches usually indicate the drive is
SATA, but you should still verify before making a purchase. The
Acer notebook we are upgrading has a single plastic nub on the
right, meaning it can accept faster x4 PCIe drives (which we veri-
fied) as well as SATA drives.
5. As with RAM, insert the M.2 card into the slot (usually at a
very slight angle) and then tilt it flat. Now with a magnetic
screwdriver (so you don’t lose the screw) install the screw back
into the mount while holding the drive flat.
6. With the drive installed, you’re now ready to restore the
How to add an SSD to your laptop
Adding an SSD to your laptop is the most effective
upgrade you can perform.
There is one upgrade that will universally improve a
laptop’s performance: adding an SSD. This is a
particularly attractive upgrade for budget laptops,
which typically come with a hard drive. That’s the
case with the extremely popular Acer Aspire E 15.
This laptop has been the top seller on Amazon for
months and months. It’s easy to see why: for $350
(and below $300 during the holidays), you get a 7th
-gen Core i3 processor, 4GB of DDR4 RAM, a 1TB
hard drive, and a 15-inch 1080p screen. It’s a killer
deal for those on a budgetbut not exactly fast.
Here’s how we can do something about that. The
good news is that just about any budget laptop to-
day should offer a path to an SSD. On the Aspire E
15, there are two paths: via an M.2 slot for a tiny
card-style drive or by replacing the hard drive with
a SATA SSD. We’ll cover both paths, starting with
how to add an M.2 SSD to your laptop. (Or jump ahead to our
section on replacing your hard drive with an SSD.)
[ Further reading: Our picks for best PC laptops ]
One caveat: While we’re sure your laptop would benefit from an
SSD upgrade, it may not actually be possible with your particular
model. We recommend searching YouTube for videos on how to
open up and upgrade your laptop before you buy anything.
How to choose an M.2 SSD: SATA vs. PCIe
Before you get all excited and run out to buy an M.2 drive, you
should know that not all M.2 SSDs are the same. In fact, they
vary so much so that it’s possible the drive you buy might not
work at all without making changes to the BIOS.
Even though they use the
same connector, M.2
drives can support either
the older SATA interface
or newer PCIe interface.
PCIe can be far faster and
is preferred, while SATA
is more compatible with
older machines.
For our Aspire E 15, we intentionally picked the WD Blue 1TB
SATA SSD for its compatibility. The M.2 slot in the Aspire E 15
does support PCIe drives as well as SATA drives but it will not
boot to a PCIe device without changing from UEFI to legacy
BIOS support.
The difference is that UEFI is modern and features Secure Boot,
which theoretically guards against malicious attacks by requiring
signed drivers and a signed OS.
Another reason you may choose a SATA M.2 over a PCIe drive
is price. SATA M.2 drives tend to be far more affordable than
PCIe drives.The 500GB version of the WD Blue drive we used
was going for $110 when we wrote this. A 512GB WD Black
M.2 PCIe SSD was going for $173.
Finally, while PCIe drives can offer 1.5x to 3x the performance
of a SATA drive, a lot of people would be hard pressed to tell the
difference in most applications.
How to install an M.2 SSD
1. Before you begin your installation, you should back up every-
thing to an external drive. (See our article on making an image
screw near the center of the optical drive and about six inches
from the edge. There may be a mark to indicate this is the captive
screw for the ODD. Remove the screw.
3. Use your fingernail to pull the drive out by wedging it between
the laptop body and optical drive.
4. With the drive out, you’ll need to transfer two things. The first
thing is the metal bracket on the back end of the optical drive.
This is what the screw that you removed earlier attaches to. Just
remove two small Philips screws and then relocate the bracket to
your new caddy.
5. The most difficult part in all of this may be removing the bezel
from the optical drive to place on your SSD. It’s not mandatory,
but foregoing the bezel will look ugly and will make it a little
more work when you want to pull the SSD from the laptop.
Almost every laptop optical drive follows an industry specwith
a different plastic bezel attached to it. To remove the bezel, take a
paper clip or screwdriver and carefully—carefully (they’re deli-
cate)bend the plastic retention arm on the inside and pop off
one side of the bezel. There’s a second mount on the other side
that doesn’t require any toolsall you have to do is gently angle
the bezel so it comes off.
6. Now just transplant the bezel to your drive caddy by gently
pressing it into place. On our drive caddy, this was nearly a per-
manent decision. Yes, we could remove the bezel, but it took a
partial disassembly of the caddy to do so.
That’s it. You can now take the caddy and slide it back into the
bay on the laptop. This should give you all the auxiliary you
want. This trick, by the way, is nearly universal from what we’ve
seen on laptops with optical drive bays.
Upgrades aren’t done in a vacuum. You prioritize them based on
their returns. The greatest return with a budget laptop is to move
from the stock hard drive to an SSD. The performance benefit in
bootup and overall responsiveness puts it at the very top of any
upgrade list.
There’s one more wildcard we should mention here and that’s
Intel’s Optane Memory Technologyan SSD caching drive that
enables your regular hard drive to perform as fast as an
SSD. We’ve tested it and found that it does indeed offer tangible
performance on the cheap. In fact, for $36 on Amazon, you could
get truly “SSD-like performance” from your 1TB hard drive.
The problem: The Aspire E 15 in our test case doesn’t have the
BIOS/UEFI support for Optane Memory. That’s really a shame
because the laptop is the perfect candidate for Intel’s Optane
backup of Windows that you created in the first step onto the new
driveagain, refer to our guide. We recommend unplugging the
hard drive and removing it so you don’t inadvertently wipe out
your original drive.
7. With the image restored, boot into Windows and prepare to be
amazed at the responsiveness of your laptop.
8. What to do with your hard drive? Keep it as a backup of your
system. Or put it to use as a secondary storage drivewe offer
some suggestions for storing Windows 10 libraries on a separate
How to replace your laptop’s hard drive with a 2.5-inch SSD
If you’re now convinced that an SSD is the answer but you want
something a little cheaper or you don’t want to deal with an M.2
drive, the best option is to outright replace the hard drive with a
standard 2.5-inch SSD.
Which SSD should you buy?
If you go shopping for an SSD your head is likely going to ex-
plode from the options available. Since we already know we’re
going with a SATA drive, the job is a little easier. If you’re won-
dering about the advantage between an M.2 SATA SSD and a
hard-drive-sized 2.5-inch SATA SSD, there isn’t much for regu-
lar folks.
Most budget SSDs today use TLC technology, which can offer
anywhere from very decent performance to plain dog perform-
ance. So we recommend that you start with a SSD buyer’s guide.
It’ll let you know what our best pick is currently.
Even if you don’t go by a list and you end up with an SSD that’s
only mediocre in performance, it’ll still feel miles better than a
hard drive. That’s because the actions on a hard drive that
make it feel slowcalled random readswill still be
infinitely better on a medicore SSD.
In other words, you’re probably okay buying on price and
capacity. You determine that based on your needs. If it’s
your sole computer, we recommend planning for addi-
tional spacefor many people a 500GB drive will the
job. If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t horde pho-
tos and videos, a 250GB drive will likely last a long time.
Okay, let's do this. On the Aspire E 15 it’s a snap.
1. Assuming you’ve made an image of your OS, all you
have to do is open the access door, and slide the hard
drive away from the connector about half an inch. Once it
is clear of the connector, gently lift the drive from the
bay. (Again, the means of access will vary by laptop
model. If it’s not clear from looking at the bottom of your
laptop how you can access its parts, refer to the manufac-
turer website or manual.)
2. With the hard drive out of the computer, remove the
four screws on the sides of the drive and take the drive out of the
plastic tray.
3. Now put your SSD into the tray, replace the screws, and slide
it into the drive bay.
4. Restore your OS to the SSD and rock on. We didn’t test this
configuration, but expect similar performance results as the M.2
SATA SSD drive.
Replace your DVD drive with an SSD
There’s one last upgrade trick we want to leave with you with:
How to replace your optical drive with an SSD or hard drive.
Besides needing an SSD, you’ll also need a caddy. We bought
this caddy on Amazon for just $9, which is typical. It fits both
7mm- and 9.5mm-thick drives, but it’s a tight fit in most com-
puters with 9.5mm so we recommend you stick with a 7mm
1. To Install the drive into the caddy, simply put it in the tray and
slide it onto the SATA connector. Then use the provided four
screws and screwdriver to mount the drive.
2. To remove the optical drive from the laptop, turn the laptop
over, and on the side where the optical drive is, look for a single
t has been a big month in Sinoukville with the relentless
march of the Sino overlords continuing towards total con-
trol. Recent events and closures could be the final nail in the
coffin of Western Barang life in what was once a sleepy seaside
It is probable that Sihanoukville now has the second largest con-
centration of casinos in the world after Las Vegas. Our count is
now 42 Casinos are open to the public. Recent articles say 50
Casinos, but some are not open to the public, like Hulk Casino
on route 4 just out of town. Macau has 38 Casinos and that was
the second largest Casino destination in the world. There are 40
Casinos on the Las Vegas strip.
The world is finally starting to wake up to what is happening in
Sinoukville. The Fairfax media in Australia ran a front page arti-
cle on the rise of Chinese control on the town recently. It high-
lighted much of what has been reported here and what everyone
knows, especially the dissatisfaction of the Khmers and the se-
vere lack of accommodation for them as well as everyone else.
The big news is that the Square will be closing on 7 July. The
tenants were served a months notice of the closure and will get
back their deposit and possibly a small amount of compensation.
Considering that many were struggling , this may not be such a
bad ending, however it severely contracts the number of avail-
able bars for entertainment. It was bad news for the owners of
The Glory Hole which had been sold with a deposit paid, but
between then and lease transfer the announcement was made, so
the sale was off. It is a sign of the times that only 1 of the 9 own-
ers still lives in Sinoukville full time.
It is rumoured that a 29 story building
(no doubt containing a casino) will
go up on the site.
In other news from the beach area,
The Ochheateal Guesthouse has
closed. Paul finally had an offer he
could not refuse and the new tenants
moved in, prior to the paperwork
being done, with jackhammers to
destroy the fixed furniture to enable
bunk bedsto go in. The quiz, which recently moved there with
the closure of Pub Street, which moved there with the closure of
The Aqua, has finally left town, like so many of the guests of
these establishments.
There is a rumour that there will be another bar complex open-
ing down on Polway street past the Gold Hotel, but do not hold
your breath for that one. However there is a new complex open-
ing on street 814, down the road from Build Bright University,
called the Youth Centre. This is to be a mixed use entertainment
centre with quite a few bars. Martini’s bar from the beach and
Stumble Inn from Pub Street are set to open there soon.
It appears that the pace of construction has increased markedly
in the past 2 months with many new construction sites in the 3
roods running parallel to the beach. The former water park next
to the White Sands is now a building site, as is the site next to
The Coolabah. At the end of that block most of the structures
have been pulled down and this will possibly be a huge develop-
ment. We need to wait for the fence to go up and the pictures to
be placed on it to know for sure, just like the local Competent
Authorities seem to do. The buildings opposite, where Bar from
home and the other restaurants were housed, has also been lev-
The former LoveleyBotique hotel, which was the initial Yadouli
casino has been pulled down and a new multi level building is
going up. Next door the Golden Sands is expanding and across
the road the former Aqua is also having some building works
being done.
So too have many buildings in the middle of town. Construction
sites abound on and around Eckherachstreet. One wonders how
long it will be before the main road resembles the now dirt and
rocky road that is Mittapheapstreet. The owner of Orange super-
market is set to open a new supermarket down the road to be
named Lemon Supermarket but with the same orange facade.
Although the owner says he will keep operating Orange super-
market, it will in all probability not be long before that site, with
valuable double road frontage too, becomes another building
There are not many more places for Westerners to drink in town
with the recent closure of GDay Mate and the recently an-
nounced closure of Charlie Harpers, the latter of which is to
become another casino apparently. Also in town the Small Hotel
will be closed within a year. The recent lease extension was can-
celled after the owner got a much better offer from the Chinese.
This place, which opened in 2002, will be sorely missed by not
only the Scandanavians, but many long time expats.
Meanwhile infrastructure is getting pretty bad. Not only the pot
holed roads which will be made
worse by the rains and the seep-
ing septic tanks. Water and Power
are still problems. Many places
are having trouble getting town
supply water, despite the dam
being full. They are forced to
pump water from wells. This is
ok, but the problem is the near all
day long power outages that peo-
ple are enduring means that pups
will not work and pump water without a generator.
Not all leases to the Chinese end well. A certain lost primate
rented out some rooms to them and when there was a disagree-
ment it nearly ended in a punchup. The tenants moved out and
when he went to the Sangkat to complain about the state of the
rooms, he was apparently told that the Chinese can do what they
like to leased premises without recourse.
Meanwhile in Kampot, now home to numerous refugees from
Sinoukville, the number of late night bars is increasing and bars
seem to be doing a good trade, despite a significant low season
drop in the number of tourists. Kevin, popular publican, for-
merly of the Bundy Bar in Pub Street in Sinoukville has re-
opened the Bundy Bar in Kampot, despite the near nightly
downpours. The amount of persistent rain has made some of the
dirt/mud roads to people houses impossible to get to by 2 wheel
The future of Sinoville