companying him to the hospital, he said, I’m not ready to die. So
sorry fella, it was too late to think or do anything about it, you
had your chance.
Was talking to a really overweight guy at a restaurant about exer-
cise and walking. He jokingly said the only walking he did was
from the venue to his motorbike. How many times have I seen
someone jump on their motorbike to go 50 meters? It isn’t much
and might not make the difference, but every little chance to walk
a little, get a bit of exercise will set you on a healthier path.
Or ride a bicycle. Exercise is boring, but riding a bike can be a lot
of fun. If many or most of your trips are short distances, like
around Kampot, then get a push bike. They’re cheap, make no
noise, use no fuel. You move more slowly so you can take in the
scene and there’s a bit less chance of getting thrown off and bit-
ing the dust, besides getting a little exercise… that little bit might
be the margin that helps keep you alive and eating your bacon.
What we’re talking about is attitude.
Like my response when as a teenager
people would warn me of the dangers
of tobacco. I’d retort with something
very similar to my friend’s bacon re-
sponse… I don’t care, I’d say, I want
to enjoy life now and I’ll be happy as
long as I live to the year 2000 (at
which time I’d be 59 years old). Well,
now 2000 was 18 years ago and I’ve
had one of the greatest times of my
life since then. The thought of giving
that up for ciggies is ludicrous, not to
mention ending my life in horrible
pain and getting snuffed out by cancer
or emphysema.
I’m often struck by how many people
lose weight when they come to Asia.
In America it seems people only get
fatter, almost never thinner. My own
experience is instructive. Just a month
or two after arriving in Asia the first time, I lost about 5 or 6 ki-
los. In just about the same length of time after returning to the
states, I gained it all back and that sequence repeated itself four
or five times. Getting out of America was pattern and habit
breaking. I very quickly lost the desire to eat so much, I was lis-
tening to my body rather than responding to old motivations.
Back in the US restaurant portions are huge, at least two, some-
times three normal meals’ worth. Two thirds of Americans are
overweight, one third of those obese. Coke adds Life! So why not
drink two liters at a time? Americans are bombarded from in-
fancy with ads for high calorie sweets and snacks, never seeing
ads promoting healthy fresh food. The result as you might expect
is falling longevity… lifespans are going down. People are liter-
ally taught to eat poorly and it isn’t just in the West. In China,
Thailand, lot of other places around the world people are laying
on the fat.
Some expats here are stuck in their old western patterns, set in
their ways and aren’t interested in changing or adapting, so they
eat just as much and just as poorly as they ever did. They’re ad-
dicted to food just as I’m addicted to other things.
I eat to live; not that I can’t or don’t appreciate the taste of good
food, but it’s just not that important. I owe that attitude at least
partly to my mother’s cooking. It was cafeteria style, wholesome
and filling, but there wasn’t much flair or anything notable about
it. And it never changed through the years. The spaghetti sauce
she made for me ten years ago in her late 80s was identical to the
very few days, it seems like, I find a post on my FB
feed praising, extolling, practically deifying bacon.
Bacon. You know, fried strips of pork fat with a little
meat attached. You know, saturated fat, clogged arter-
ies, strokes, heart attacks. It tastes okay, but repast of the gods?
I admit, bacon is iconic, like, Bring home the bacon, signifying
the one who supports the family. Before I begin this essay let
me clearly state that I believe everyone has a right to choose
their own poison. It’s your life, I’m not going to tell you how to
live it. Also, to be sure, I’ve spent lots of time in my life doing
things that were counterproductive to health, so I don’t mean to
sound superior or preachy. That said, what I’m charged to do is
shatter illusions and vanquish lame excuses. My task is to try to
clarify and set the record straight.
So I got into a little debate about eating healthy when a friend
posted text on facebook that was
sort of a joke saying something
like, mess with my bacon and
you’re dead. I pointed out the obvi-
ous that eating pure animal fat has
its downside. He responded that
he’d rather live his life to the fullest
and die at sixty than live to ninety
eating lettuce. I responded
(understand now that I’m para-
phrasing and being a writer I’m
fleshing out the story since I can’t
remember the exact words) by say-
ing there’s a whole spectrum of
food between pure animal fat and
lettuce, like what about lean meat,
chicken, fish? Besides, what’s the
matter with lettuce? it’s good,
clean, healthy food.
The problem for many people is
that you don’t live happily and
strongly, savoring your daily dose of bacon until sixty and then
just up and die peacefully in your sleep. More likely you get a
stroke or heart attack and spend the next decade or two in a
wheelchair or gimping along with half your body dysfunctional.
Would it still be worth it? Also if you’re in love with bacon
you’re possibly, probably also in love with eating itself and as a
consequence, you’re likely to be overweight and not just in-
creasing the risk factors for strokes, etc., but also having trouble
with your knees and other parts because excess weight makes
all of your bodily functions work that much harder. And being
fat it’s that much more difficult to enjoy exercise.
A good Kampot friend, who was plenty fat, though thinner than
he was in his old life back in Canada, died about 4 years ago
from a heart attack. In his last few months he spent most of his
time vegging in front of a computer, smoking and drinking. A
little bacon or other saturated fats never hurt anyone as long as
they are also active and eat a balanced diet with adequate por-
tions of more healthy food. Keep that heart pumping energeti-
cally on a regular basis and it’ll push those goopy fats right
One time as we were leaving a bar a friend offered him a ride
home.. less than 200 meters. I said why do you need a ride, why
don’t you walk with me, it’s so close. He said why not ride? He
couldn’t extend himself that far to get a tiny bit of exercise. I’d
beg him to ride his bicycle over to my place, a three kilometer
round trip. Never did. Too much trouble. As a friend was ac-
the worlds people have got to change their eating habits to con-
sume less meat if the race is to survive. With so many developing
nations growing rapidly and increasing their meat consumption
as a result, our current path will become untenable.
I spent two years as a vegetarian starting in
the late sixties, the times of sex, drugs, rock
n’ roll, tofu and brown rice. My partner and
I had started eating more vegetarian, but still
eating meat until the turning point came one
night when she cooked a spaghetti car-
bonara, which features bacon. It tasted
heavy, greasy and strange. Vegetarian food
is light, fresh and easy on your digestive
system, compared to meat which is hard to
digest and sits heavy like lead in your stom-
ach. Maybe that’s partly why people like it,
it fills you up. You can also get fat as an
herbivore, so that’s no different. One thing
you do have to watch out for when you
don’t eat meat is getting your proper nutri-
tion. Meat is loaded with protein and thus
makes it easy. Without that you have to be
concerned and think about what you’re con-
It felt good, but after two years I began to
crave meat. When we stopped eating meat,
it had nothing to do with treatment of ani-
mals and such, it wasn’t ideological, it just
didn’t taste right anymore. But if you crave
meat, you might as well eat what you like. I
eat meat in most meals, but rarely eat a big
chunk at a time. I’ll take a half kilo of meat,
divide it 3 ways and use each portion in a
stew or pasta sauce that lasts for 3 of 4
meals. You get taste, flavor and nutrition
while minimizing any possible negative
Some people get positively livid at the men-
tion of veganism and such. In a facebook debate I partook of re-
cently one guy was screaming bile and vitriol against vegans, a
sorta extension of Don’t touch my bacon or I’ll kill ya. He ended
by reviling poor kale. Some years back I was having severe
cramps in my feet and legs. When I asked a nurse friend about it,
she said without hesitation that I had a calcium deficiency. Now I
take a calcium supplement once or twice a week, consume more
dairy products than I did before and include kale in most of my
meals since it’s an excellent natural
source of calcium. I rarely get those
cramps anymore. Actually here in
Cambo kale is what they call spin-
ach. Doesn’t matter if it’s not quite
the right taste for the pot, I use it
anyway because it tastes okay and I
need the calcium.
Some time ago a good friend had a
heart attack and subsequent opera-
tion when he was 65. His choles-
terol had been off the chart. When I
saw him about a year after the attack
he was eating fish, chicken with the
skins removed and pork with all fat removed (actually I’m not
sure about the pork). That got him an extra ten years of life.
A lot of people will insist they don’t care about the future as long
as they can enjoy life and bacon now, but when faced with the
ultimate reality almost every one will choose life and go through
whatever hoops they have to to try to prolong it even after that
lifetime of saturated fat does a number on them.
one she cooked for me as a kid sixty years before. It was fine
and never a problem for me.
Many people live to eat, maybe they idolize good taste or don’t
have enough other priorities or interests in life to keep the lid on
excessive or destructive eating. Or maybe
it isn’t the taste so much as the need to
stuff themselves, to always feel full and
satiated. If it’s really taste you’re after,
then you’d want to eat slowly, savoring
every bite rather than shoveling it in. And
if you do eat slowly you’ll realize how full
you feel before you are completely
stuffed. If you actually want to trim down
you’ve got to get to the point where you
like a light, empty feeling at times. I’m not
saying there aren’t really fat people
around who are still strong and active, but
eventually it’s got to weigh on you, there’s
no denying gravity.
Once again it all comes down to attitude.
If you approach eating with the idea
you’re going to eat whatever you damn
well please no matter how destructive it is
to your health and/or appearance, or some-
times, just to be ornery, rebellious and
outrageous, you eat poorly specifically
because it’s bad for you, well you’ll most
likely achieve your goal. If you look at
lettuce with disgust, remove it and any
other veggies served with your burger or
chunk of meat because you consider them
practically inedible then you’re firmly on
the bacon glorification path.
If on the other hand you really don’t like
how you look or how you feel carrying
around a barrel of fat or how your innards
feel when you’re stuffed to the gullet or
how tired and breathless you feel when
you try to do very much, you might be able to change the narra-
tive. Once you start to care about your health and fitness you
can actually begin to like those veggies. You begin to purposely
eat your veggies because you know they balance out the heavi-
ness and greasiness of fatty meats.
Not only that, but according to the International Panel on Cli-
mate Change, you’ll be saving the world as well as yourself.
Some 30% of all greenhouse gases are produced in our indus-
trial farming system and a
large part of that is in meat
production. Giant machines
are used in every phase of crop
production from plowing,
seeding, cultivating, applying
of fertilizers and poisons and
harvesting. Then much of it is
shipped long distances, often
around the world, and maybe
processed further into canned
or frozen food.
Meat is the worst because in
industrial farming it takes
about 10 kilos of grain to produce one kilo of beef and exces-
sive amounts of grain to produce other meats. One large pro-
ducer of GHGs is cow farts, but that’s largely because grains are
not natural cow food so it doesn’t sit well with them. We don’t
need to worry much about that here in Cambodia since nearly
all of our beef are pastured. The meat is tough, but I think that’s
mostly genetics. At any rate eating vegetarian is far less taxing
on our environment than meat and the IPCC makes a point that
The Kingdom is at pains to point out that the crisis does not affect
those attending embassies to secure visas for entry into the country,
but warned vis applicants to take care to get into the correct line.
President Trump announced yesterday he will be looking in to the
murders to see whether lessons could be learned by the US Immigra-
tion Department. He applauded the Saudi diplomatic community’s
efforts to increase efficiency, offering the country what he called ‘a
range of personal security hardware at attractively reduced rates’ to
help deal with the problem and speed up the increasingly popular
When is it okay to bring a bonesaw to a party?
If you are planning to host an event in a Saudi Embassy, of your
choice, there are important social niceties to observe; such as to cover
the furniture in plastic sheets, keep fingerprints to a minimum and
only kill your guests after the coffee has been served.
Explained one Crown Prince: ‘We’ve all done it, arrived at a black tie
event with the wrong set of slicing implements. It’s so tricky to
know when to use the soup spoon or the nipple clamp? My advice is
to keep things informal until the screaming starts, allow guests to
smoke it’s the least of their worries and you can easily promote
lively conversation through a range of torture techniques.
Tidying up is always a problem, so do not expect a multi-billion
pound arms deal to clear up a red wine stain or eight pints of blood.
We advise that you put your dishes in for a long soak, alongside any
knives, knuckle dusters or Amnesty reports.
Above all, have fun, its not meant to be life or death at least for the
host. Said the Prince: ‘Vegans are sometimes hard to accommodate
given the propensity for arterial splatter. And, at the end of the eve-
ning, probably best not to look in the goodie bags’.
"999 What's Your Emer...Ah Fuck It"
A shocking new report has found that over one million crimes a year
aren’t even investigated by the police. To people who enjoy stealing
cheap bottles of cider, this is great news! But, for those of us who
expect our law enforcement to do a semi competent job, it is a cause
for concern.
In real terms, it means that 27% of calls to 999 were screened-out
before being passed onto officers to pursue, essentially meaning,
sticking your arse out of a window and farting is the most effective
way of reporting a crime 1/3 of the time.
The calls are “logged” but then “completely fucking ignored” for a
variety of reasons. We’re guessing if Strictly’s on, you're less likely
to get an operator who can be arsed to pass on your report to actual
The orders have come down from 'on high', and 999 operator, Toby
Tobinson of Tobury, said:
"In our line of work, you have access to a lot of information that the
public don’t have access to. For example, we know that 78% of all
999 callers are just grasses snitching up their neighbours because they
think they're Polish. So we ignore those."
We asked if he thought there would be any significant changes in the
way that calls are handled now that this information has been made
public. He shook his head:
"I doubt it. We’ve already been told to cut down on calls from the
North of England by 50%, and police units are already engaged in so
many other duties. There’s Royal weddings to guard, celebrities to
e s c o r t , f r a c k i n g p r o t e s t e r s t o a r r e s t -
loads of things."
But he assured us the police were doing a lot in other ways:
"Of course, we’ll always be on the ball when it comes to certain calls.
For example, every time one comes on which is over a child holding
an obvious toy gun, we’re on it like a Tory kicking a disabled child.
We’ll respond to that one quick as know to let people
know we're ready to go at the drop of a hat."
We would love to blame funding cutbacks for the current situation
but Theresa May assured us all publicly that there is no correlation
between rising crime and less coppers.
Khashoggi killed by own ricocheting kung fu star say Saudis
The Saudi Arabian government have made the claim that the miss-
ing journalist, Jamel Khashoggi, was killed during a violent melee
in the Saudi consulate building in Turkey after the furious news-
man launched a number of kung fu stars at terrified staff, one of
which, rebounded off a lampshade and struck him a fatal blow on
the temple.
A spokesman for the Saudi consulate said last night: ‘Mr
Khashoggi was definitely looking for trouble that night. He looked
dishevelled and had clearly been drinking heavily. Without warn-
ing, he started acting like a crazy man and began hurling kung fu
stars at staff members.’
‘Unfortunately for him, he was killed instantly by one of his own
weapons which bounced back off of a light shade or a wall or
something. The details are a bit sketchy, to be honest’.
When asked as to what became of the body, the spokesman told
newsmen that it was quickly dismembered by security staff with
bone saws, placed in a bin bag and thrown into a dumpster in the
street outside: ‘We wanted to spare his family the distress of see-
ing him with a kung fu star embedded in his skull,’ he said.
United States President, Donald Trump, was quick to condemn the
Saudis last night: ‘It’s a bad bad business, but who’s to say the guy
didn’t ask for it? The important thing is that we didn’t lose any
money over this’.
Former ‘Mansize’ tissues ‘can still be used for wanking’
Thomas Falk, CEO of Kleenex, has moved to dampen the contro-
versy over the company’s decision to rename ‘Mansize’ Tissues to
‘Extra Large’ by reassuring customers that they remain suitable for
any men who want to use them for a desperate bout of lonely mas-
turbation in their single beds.
‘We understand that there are some who care very deeply about
this issue,’ said Falk. ‘Please be assured: Kleenex would never
leave its customers without something capable of absorbing 20 cc
of gelatinous man-juice as you pull yourself off before you cry
yourself to sleep, wondering why women will never go out on
more than two dates with you.’
However, long-time Kleenex user and even longer-time celibate
Mike Carlton said: ‘Without being told whether these tissues are
for men or women, how am I supposed to know if I can use them
for a late night Sherman in my cold, lonely flat? I bet it’s the same
man-hating feminists that have banned Mansize tissues that would-
n’t have sex with me in the first place.’
Criticism over long wait to be murdered at Saudi embassies
If you want to be brutally murdered in the Saudi embassy in Paris,
you may have to wait seven hours. In Berlin, those who wish to be
quietly and tragically assassinated in the Saudi Embassy there may
face overnight delays. In Rome, a small encampment of people
waiting to be mysteriously dispatched has grown. It includes tents,
makeshift showers and a food concession, for those who have been
waiting three days or more for the service.
One veteran queuer in London said: ‘I’ve queued for a new Apple
iPhone, Wimbledon and Barry Manilow concerts but this queue is
ultimate. I can’t wait to get inside the reputedly ostentatious em-
bassy here in Kensington to see what all the fuss is about.’ Now the
UN has stepped in to say the Saudis must speed up the progress of
mysterious embassy slayings, warning that people in the lengthen-
ing lines might resort to killing each other in the streets of the
world capitals, defeating the purpose of being there and causing
street sanitation challenges in smart areas of world cities.
A spokesperson oh, all right, spokesman for the Kingdom
apologised, saying the reservation system for consular beheading,
shooting and poisoning was suffering teething problems, and those
without reservations should stay at home until invited by text mes-
sage to be slaughtered by hit squads flown in to carry out the homi-
cides. One problem is dealing with the after-effects of the vicious
killings, with clean-up teams and decorators working round the
clock to restore embassies to their original oil-funded opulence
before the next victim faces faceless swordsmen, firing squads or
sinister figures brandishing syringes.
Pub Page November
Overall, things seem to have picked up a bit lately, but not
much. With a few exceptions most bars have been dead when I
dropped by. Weather probably has not helped with nearly
nightly downpours making it difficult to head out; particularly
since a lot of staff seem to stay home if it is raining when they
are meant to clock in. Things were
especially bleak over the holiday, but
Pchum Benh tends to mess things up
with a lot of staff taking extended
holidays and many of the hostess bars
did not even bother opening over the 3
day national holiday.
This will be a mainly hostess bar free
pub page, but I want to start with a
quick trip down memory lane. A
friend suggested we head up to 108 St.
as he wanted to check out Golden
Vine. It has been a long time since I
dropped by and I was pleasantly sur-
prised that things were pretty much as
I recall. Same great service, same
relaxing environment and music at a
level that allowed conversation. The
bar opens at 2 pm and until 7 pm, cans
of anchor/angkor are only USD 1. We
also dropped by Zapata a couple of
doors down. Amazingly, this place
has gotten darker (lighting not mood),
but it is still a good place for a quiet
drink and a chance to actually chat
with your drinking companion.
A quick Golden Sorya Mall report
no substantial change although they
seem to be slowly renovating the old
game rooms. There don’t appear to be
any new bars despite the rent de-
crease. Some of the bars seem to be
getting regular customers but it never
seems crowded in the renovated area when I am around.
Homefood and Martini still seem to be the busiest spots and,
along with Swiss Food are my preferred haunts, but the guys at
Purple bar across from Homefood seem to enjoy loud Chinese
karaoke which usually drives me as far away as possible.
Also, I tried to check in again at the Sharaton on 136 St. a cou-
ple of times but the reception was not open, not sure if has per-
manently been shuttered or if they just saw me coming…
Now on to the bars without friendly hostesses…
We start at Back Street Bar which, as you might have guessed,
is down an alley just north of 294 St. off of Sothearos. It is
open at 5 pm and closed by midnight unless busy. They are
closed Sunday. It is a nice little place with a garage theme.
Seemed like a nice local drinking spot not too big a space but
felt open and comfortable. Local beers are USD 1.75 a can or
1.5 for a draft. Bottle beers are USD 2.5 or 3. Cocktails are $5
and most spirits are USD 2-3. Happy Hour is 5-7 pm with
USD 1 off of cocktails. If you live in the hood or find yourself
thirsty while reminiscing around bodang, it seemed like a good
place to drop by. One potential warning while I did not con-
firm (I was not in a spirits frame of mind when I dropped by),
but the menu stated there was a 50c charge for mixers.
Next up is the Pub; which I will once again say looks much better
at its new digs closer to Norodom on 174 St. While the Evil Pub-
lisher has not clarified, I can only assume that my contractually
required Skirts reference has been transferred to the Pub post
merger. As a bit of CYA, I will note that the Pub is having a red
wine deal with unlimited large glasses of house reds going for
USD 2 each when you buy a
meal (min $4.5). I assume this
was designed for as a Walk-
about Bill special, but I can’t
remember if he actually eats.
Next up is Juniper bar on the
12th floor of the Point Hotel on
130 St. Really nice space. Not
huge, but when you see the size
of the hotel, you will under-
stand that it has limited space
for a roof bar. The bar is done
up fairly simple, but it looks
good and seems appropriate for
a gin bar. The main reason to
be up here (other than to down
a few) is the view one of the
higher buildings in the area,
there is an amazing river view
and a pretty nice city view as
well. Kingdom Pilsner draft is
1.8 a glass or 3 a pint. G & Ts
range from USD 4-6.5 and in-
clude some well-known brands
and a local Mekong product
(which I should have tried but I
went to a gin bar and drank
vodka will have to give a lo-
cal gin a shot though). There
are a range of cocktails from
$4.5-6.75 we tried a couple
and were quite happy despite
missing the happy hour which
is 5-7 pm daily. During happy hour, Indochine IPA is $3.5 a pint
(normally $5.5) and a limited range of cocktails goes for $3 and
an Aperol Spritz going for $4. Overall, a very nice place to watch
the sun set or catch a quiet drink before heading into the hostess
bar obstacle course.
Last up is Bonas Pub on 130 St at the corner of 15 St. This is a
barebones place with very little going on inside except for the bar
and the stage and a more comfortable patio area. The raison
d’etre of the place is live music and it is made very clear. There
are open mic nights on Sunday and Monday and music most other
nights. Beers (can or draft) are USD 2 while bottles are $3-4.5.
Cocktails are $2-4.5 and most spirits are $4. Happy hour is 5-9
pm every day with 50% off drinks. Prices are reasonable and
are excellent in happy hour. Owner was friendly. Seem to be a
very regular music related crowd hanging out. However, while
this seems to be a solid place for live tunes (I understand rock and
blues are the focus) I am not much of an aficionado, so I will just
recommend this as a place to hang out for those who are (although
I suspect you already know about it).
That is about it for this month. May end up going upscale next
tourists descend upon
the Kingdom. Their
boisterous and noisy
nature scares away
their more “cultured”
Western counterparts
who actually spend
money with local
For all the resources
spent on attracting
them to visit, the local
tourism industry
makes very little from
their spending.
This is the bane of
“zero-dollar tourism”
run by Chinese opera-
tors. Travel agencies
in China offer free or
very cheap tour pack-
ages, which cover
meals and accommo-
dation. Chinese tour-
ists are attracted to the
low cost and the no-
tion that all their
needs will be taken
care of without having
to speak a foreign
The government
seems fixated on tour-
ist numbers but not
the quality of the tour-
Hordes of Chinese
Volume 05 Issue 10 Thursday November 1 2018 0000 Riel
ESL Teacher
Obsessed With
BANGKOK A private
Thai Catholic school de-
fended its recruitment pro-
cedures this month after
revelations that they had
employed a non-pedophile
heterosexual male teacher.
"The teacher in question
appeared deviant in many
ways," assured the Principal.
"As soon as we knew other-
wise, he was immediately
replaced to ensure the chil-
dren receive the most pro-
fessional molesting and
highest standards of abuse in
The school denied that they
had not checked his refer-
ences properly. "We are an
equal opportunities em-
ployer for people of all devi-
ancies. However, in any
random sample of English
teachers in South East Asia,
even the most rigorous as-
sessment will not catch the
occasional 'good egg'".
The teacher was caught in a
sting operation, when per-
verts posing as 21 year old
girls set up web sites
Continued on page 17
Part of the require-
ment is to follow
schedules set by the
agencies. This in-
cludes compulsory
shopping stops.
The Chinese zero-
dollar operators have
refined this practice to
an art. Most of the
stores are directly
connected to the tour
operators. They are
operated via local
proxies to satisfy local
laws. Products in
these shops are sold at
Since they control the
entire supply chain
from airline, hotels,
bus companies, res-
taurants and shops
and share the revenue
among themselves,
very little of the tour-
ists’ spending actually
trickles down to the
local economy, apart
from hoteliers and
restaurateurs. The
government is also
deprived of tax reve-
Cambodia is eyeing
more tourist arrivals
from China, setting
itself a target of two
million by 2020.
In many cases today
the tourists money
never leaves China.
Thus avoiding cur-
rency excha nge
In October of 2013,
the Chinese govern-
ment initiated new
regulations to restrict
the number of out-
bound tourists and to
put an end to Zero-
Dollar tourism. It
doesn't seem to be
working with compa-
nies setting up local
proxy tour companies
to skirt the rules in
About Cambodia
Report: Civil Servants
need more holidays
Page 17
Govt. advice to forcibly
relocated squatters -
stand up Page 17
Last weeks weather
and flood alert -
Today! Page 17
Chinese visa office
opens for trips to
Page 17
Semicolon: the period
for the new millen-
All pages
This is a work of fiction and satire any semblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental
Zero dollar
With drunk Chinese taking on road dividers every night two drunk idiots seemingly upped the ante by
taking one on in a hummer. The road divider survived the encounter but what will they try to crash next?
A Ministry of Tourism
official was asked about
this growing problem. To
which he replied.
“But look at the numbers
going up.”
Further questions on the
same subject got the same
reply again and again.
“What problem? Look at
the numbers.”
When asked about the
dwindling number Contin-
ued on page 17
Trump to Send Crack Team of FBI Kavanaugh Investiga-
tors to Look Into Khashoggi Murder
Washington - President Donald Trump and Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo have decided to send the same FBI team that
completed the 3 day investigation into the Brett Kavanaugh
sexual assault charges to Turkey to investigate the murder of
journalist Jamal Khashoggi.
Sources at the FBI confirmed that the agents will fly to Istan-
bul tomorrow for two days of interviews and then return to
Washington. When asked why they would not also fly to Saudi
Arabia as part of the probe, the sources indicated that they were
"not authorized to speak to any of the Saudis present at the Saudi
Consulate on the day of the murder, or anyone in the Saudi gov-
"We will meet confidentially with the FBI team before and after
the trip, just to make sure they have conducted a thorough in-
quiry", said Trump.
Hannibal Lecter Seen Exiting Saudi Embassy With New
BILLINGSGATE POST: A newly-released video showing foren-
sic psychiatrist and taxidermist, Dr. Hannibal Lecter, carrying a
lampshade out of the Saudi Embassy in Istanbul was released this
morning as part of the probe into the disappearance of journalist,
Jamal Khashoggi.
Although Saudi Arabia has denied involvement in Khashoggi’s
disappearance, the fact that Hannibal Lecter was shown leaving the
Embassy, has provided new fodder to speculation that Khashoggi
was killed and dismembered by a Saudi team working for Crown
Prince Mohammed bin Salman.
President Trump has speculated, without providing evidence, that
“rogue killers” could be responsible. Noting that Hannibal Lecter
certainly fits in this category, Trump mentioned that he would de-
fer judgment until Forsenic Taxidermist, Dr. Viscount Billings-
gate, examined the lampshade allegedly carried out of the Embassy
by Lecter.
President Trump:
"If this lampshade contains DNA from Mr. Khashoggi, there will a
price to be paid by those who flaunt their power in the Mid East.
Hopefully, this lampshade will shine some light on the disappear-
ance of Khashoggi."
Dr. Billingsgate, who received his doctorate in Taxidermy from La
Fontaine College, is considered the last word in Forensic Taxi-
dermy. His groundbreaking work in unveiling the “Jackalope
hoax” is considered the “Magna Carta” of this profession. Through
painstaking observation and experiment, he determined that the
antlers mounted on a jackrabbit’s head were actually removed
Bozo Trots Out Usual Bollocks In Attempt to be Relevant
The Daily Telegraph was once a serious newspaper but is now
reduced to having a front page spread featuring a serial liar and
idiot. Monday's edition had emblazoned upon it Bozo Johnson's
self-satisfied face as he once again trotted out his usual guff in his
fading attempt to become prime minister.
As usual, this loud mouthed insufferable failure of a political
pygmy tried to sound Churchillian, but only managed to mix meta-
phors and raise stupid images which would be more akin to The
Sun or The Daily Star. He is living proof that education is not
equated with intelligence or competence.
Johnson wrote in the Daily Telegraph that the approach agreed at
Chequers "means disaster" for Britain.
You signed up to it, shithead and only walked away after Dumbo
Davis had led the way. Coward, as ever.
On his no deal Brexit wish, Bozo wrote: "The whole thing is about
as pre-ordained as a bout between Giant Haystacks and Big
Daddy; and in this case, I am afraid, the inevitable outcome is a
victory for the EU, with the UK lying flat on the canvas and 12
stars circling symbolically over our semi-conscious head."
So Bozo, in this "bout" which fat bastard are you?
Mr Johnson said negotiations based on the Chequers plan had so
far seen the EU take "every important trick", adding: "The UK has
agreed to hand over £40bn of taxpayers' money for two-thirds of
diddly squat."
"Diddly squat?" Old Etonian for "I wouldn't get out of bed for less
than a million quid".
The ex-foreign secretary said the PM's plan would hand the EU
Yawn! Are we at war? Back to the 1940s with Corporal "They
Don't Like It Up 'Em" Johnson.
A Downing Street spokesman said: "There's no new ideas in this
article to respond to. Let's face it Bozo is a loser and has nothing to
contribute" while former home secretary Amber Rudd told the
BBC's Politics Live: "Once again, it's a case of leap before you
look - there's absolutely no proposal here, but what else do you
expect from a smug self-regarding wanker."
The Bayon Pearnik is never one to look a gifthorse in
the mouth. Send us your product and we’ll write
something REALLY good about it. Nothing is too big,
too small, too cheap or too expensive. Of course, you
won’t get it back, but you will receive a free write-up
in Cambodia’s best read magazine.
For more details, E-mail [email protected]
something happens to be true doesn't mean that we have to go out
of our way to make a big deal out of it! Am I right, Collins, or am
I right?”
The column added: “Going forward, you can count on me to be
the same kind of judge and person I have been for the past 28
years of my legal career. I will work hard in dealing judicial de-
feats to the Democrats. With an even keel, I will overturn Roe vs.
Wade, and throw Norma McCorvey in prison for the rest of her
life. With an open mind, I will purge every non-Republican citizen
from the voting rolls. And I will independently swim in the oceans
of my enemies' blood as I send them to the eternal torment that
they so richly deserve!”
The column concluded: “Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! Bow down,
fools, to the great and powerful Brett Kavanaugh!”
Canada legalises marijuana to help them cope with living next
to America
Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau says his new domestic policy
will be to get baked and wait for the neighbours to their south to
chill out a bit.
A statement from the Canadian government said they legalised
weed as quickly as possible because holy shit they’re definitely
going to need it.
Drug reform has been a big topic in the country for many years,
but experts believe the election of President Trump hastened the
process due to Trudeau calling a press conference the day after
the US election and asking if anyone had any ‘really strong shit’
they could let him have a bang off.
When told that would actually be illegal, Trudeau was overheard
muttering “We’ll see about that” in an off-the-record comment.
Canadians have welcomed the move to legalise cannabis, insisting
that when you’re as high as a kite, some of Donald Trump’s public
speeches actually start to make sense.
Speaking to reporters yesterday, Trudeau said, “Wow, yeah. So.
Trump. Trump. Uh, yeah. So I reckon we’ll be needing as much of
this stuff as we can get our hands on for a few years, amiright?
“But, so, yeah, anyone got any Pringles? I feel like I need them
just so as I can watch them…watch them..oh, come on, you know.
“He’s so orange. So. Orange,” he added, before falling over in a fit
of giggles.
Canny Canadian retailers have already begun planning regionally-
themed flavoured marijuana cigarettes, with a bacon-flavoured
mix already extremely popular according to advance sales figures.
from an antelope and mounted on the jackrabbit by a clever taxi-
dermist; a ruse of the first magnitude. Also, it is noteworthy that
Billingsgate also received the Nobel Prize for successfully mount-
ing a tin of anchovies after they had been canned in olive oil; cer-
tainly not a small feat.
Now that the lampshade is in the hands of Dr. Billingsgate, Presi-
dent Trump is confident that justice will be done.
NOTE: This Story was compiled from sources that have been
deemed “More reliable than CNN.”
Joe Bidet drums up votes in Sin City
Former Vice-President “Papa Joe” Bidet, mindful of the 2020 gen-
eral election, visited Nevada to stake his future presidential bid on
getting out the vote among illegal aliens, Antifa “protesters,” MS-
13 gang members, and other “non-deplorables.”
Although Bidet hails from Scranton, Pennsylvania, and now re-
sides in Bewilderment, Delaware, where he has lived since aban-
doning his hometown, he claimed to know more about Nevada
than “anyplace else, except, well, certain bordellos.”
According to Bidet, President “Trump is all about the Republicans
and himself,” whereas Bidet is “all about the Democrats and my-
He urged union members to “remember you're Teamsters, and the
Teamsters take a dim view of anyone who's Republican, libertar-
ian, or Independent.”
Cheers erupted from a group of scowling men in cheap suits with
suspicious bulges beneath their armpits that made some in atten-
dance wonder whether the men were “packing heat.”
“You don't want to see the mob—I mean, the Teamsters' bosses
pissed off,” Bidet warned the crowd of listeners whom the union
had bused in expressly for his speech. “They're a thousand times
worse than Antifa and MS-13 combined. Just ask Jimmy Hoffa, if
you can find him.”
Former president Osama Hussein Obummer will visit the state
later to remind his former constituents that “the new Black Pan-
thers also take a dim view of people who don't toe the party line
and, by that," Obummer explained, "I mean the Democratic Party
Bidet's speech was considered successful.
“A lot of union members were visibly shaken after hearing his
address,” a man who gave his name as Guido “The Arm-Twister”
Gotti-Lucchese said. “Papa Joe has a lot of butt buddies in Sin
Judge Kavanaugh: “I Am An Independent, Impartial Judge
That Just So Happens to Hate Democrats”
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an attempt to clear his name, Judge
Brett Kavanaugh penned a column in the Wall Street Journal. He
started by saying, “I am an independent, impartial judge that just
so happens to hate Democrats. I hate them with the force and fury
of one thousand burning suns. I can't even say 'Democrat' without
foaming at the mouth in inarticulate rage.”
Kavanaugh continued: “My tone was sharp, and I said some things
that I should not have said. Things like, calling Christine Blasey
Ford a 'trampy tramp tramper tramp with tramp pudding à la
tramp.' Things like, how the Clintons are walking turds, wearing ill
-fitting skin suits made from Vincent Foster, who they murdered.
Things like, accusing Amy Klobuchar of being a blackout drunk.
And things like, how I wanted to dig a hole into the center of the
Earth and throw every Democrat, liberal, and Black person in it.”
The column continued: “I testified with five people foremost in my
mind: my mom, my wife, my daughters, and Scarlett Johansson.
Because really... all five of them have fine asses. Am I right,
Grassley, or am I right? Bros before hosebags! CHUG IT!”
What followed were three lines of periods.
The column resumed: “The Supreme Court must never be viewed
as a partisan institution. I mean, sure... the conservative judges
always vote in favor of the rich and powerful, but just because
You can easily add new paragraphs and edit and delete data, and
the document reformats automatically as you type. You can even
remove, replace, or reposition the graphics, and the text-wrap
feature re-wraps the paragraphs around the image at its new loca-
tion. You can also change the page size, the margins, the line
spacing, the font and font size plus all the font attributes, and
much more.
In the “edited” version of this document, the font and font size in
the title, subtitle, first, and last paragraphs were all changed. In
addition, the yellow paragraph was added and the image was
moved from top right to bottom left, all without any problems.
In fact, Word 2016’s PDF compatibility is so good, you can right
-click the image and view an entire list of editable graphic op-
tions including cropping, sizing, formatting, positioning, adding
captions, and even attaching hyperlinks.
With all these new features, you can now use Word 2016 as a
desktop publisher, save the finished product as a compiled/
condensed PDF, then ship it directly to the printer for mass pro-
duction. This is a real plus for small offices and home businesses
who can’t afford to purchase another software program for every
special function that occurs.
The real benefit for everyone else is the convenience of copying
data from one document to another that previously originated
within incompatible file formats. PDFs are smaller, easier to
email, and much more efficient for printing because the format is
portable, therefore, all the necessary elements to produce the fin-
ished product are collected into a single file.
The downside of Word’s Reflow feature is that some companies
use the PDF format to ensure some measure of copyright protec-
tion on the documents they distribute. There is a solution for
these groups as well. Password-protect the document in Acrobat
for Read Only, so the file cannot be copied or converted.
Save or export a Word document to PDF
1. Once the document is altered to your satisfaction, choose File
> Save As, navigate to the appropriate folder, then choose PDF
from the Save as Type dropdown list.
2. Immediately, the system displays the following PDF file type
screen. Choose: Optimize for Standard (publishing online and
printing) and check the box for Open File After Publishing, then
click Save.
3. Another option for saving or re-saving a document as a PDF
file is to export it. Choose File > Export, select Create PDF/XPS
Document in the left column, then click the button with the same
4. Again, the system displays the following PDF file type screen.
Choose : Optimize for Standard (publishing online and printing)
and check the box for Open File After Publishing if you want the
PDF to open after it’s saved. Then click the Publish button and
your new PDF is created.
Repairing PDF errors in Word
If you find errors in the republished/re-saved PDF documents,
you may have to go back and reformat the pages. Text will likely
re-flow with no problems, but the graphics using text-wrap may
disrupt the text flow. If that happens, break up the paragraphs so
that one text box ends before the image, then another, new text
box begins again after the image. Once that’s accomplished, hard
-code the position of the graphic box.
1. Right click the image, choose Wrap Text > More Layout Op-
tions, and the following screen appears:
If your text is moved and rearranged in your new PDF, you may
Working with PDFs has become as common as working with
Word docs, but to get the full editing capabilities in Adobe Acro-
bat you must shell out $449 for the desktop Pro 2017 version, or
almost $180 per year for a Pro DC subscription. While there are
plenty of alternative PDF editors, the simplest solution might be
a tool you already use: Microsoft
Word 2016.
While previous versions of Word let you save a document as a
PDF, Word 2016 allows you to open an Adobe formatted file,
modify it and then re-save it back to the PDF format without us-
ing Acrobat. Microsoft calls this new feature PDF Reflow, and
here we’ll show how it works with a file containing text and an
1. Open Word 2016. Select File > Open, then Browse to the
folder that contains your PDFs. Select a file and click the Open
button. Notice the selected file appears in the View window on
the right. For this example, select a file with text and graphics.
Select a pdf file and click open
2. Once you click Open, the following dialog box appears:
Convert to Word Dialog Box
NOTE: The message warns that large files take longer to load,
and the layout in Word may not look exactly like the original
PDF. That’s because margins, columns, tables, page breaks, foot-
notes, endnotes, frames, track changes, and special format op-
tions such as font effects (among other things) may differ be-
tween the original software used to create the PDF file (such as
InDesign or Microsoft Publisher) and Word.
Microsoft suggests that text documents transfer and reflow better
than documents heavily laden with charts and graphics, tags,
bookmarks, footnotes, and/or track changes. These additional text
blocks often land in the middle of paragraphs or tagged on to the
end. Be aware of these limitations so you can plan for the out-
come and make adjustments as needed.
Many of the layout attributes, however, are compatible and trans-
fer from the PDF directly into Word with no problems. For ex-
ample, the following image is a copy of the original PDF we
opened in Word 2016.
Modify PDFs in Word
Bayon Pearnik®
Adam Parker,
Publisher and Editor-in-Chief
A. Nonnymouse
, Wordsmiths
, Photos
Maxwell Perkins,
Editor Postmortis
Dexter Coffin III,
Lawrence Connelly,
Rich, Well-Connected Friends of Publisher
Jeff Elson,
Associate Deputy Editor
Dr. Safari,
Health Editor
Ian Velocipede,
James Eckhart,
A. Fortiori, Dan Meat, Etta Moga,
Assistant Associate Deputy Editors
Cletus J. “Bubba” Huckabee, Jr.,
Movie Reviewer
Edward R. Murrow,
Famous Journalist
Autmean Loy, Prakhai Thuich, Som Muiroi,
Overworked Proles
Sdap Otbaan, Ta Madong Thiet,
, Coffee
Dim Sambo,
Systems Support
The Bayon Pearnik is an independent magazine dedicated to raising beer
money as well as encouraging debate over standards of taste, humor and
journalistic ethics. Published every month or so in Phnom Penh. Not to be taken
seriously or while driving or operating heavy machinery. Always consult your
doctor first because we're not responsible for what happens to you.
Advertising, Editorial, Inquiries and anything else :
The Bayon Pearnik, P.O. Box 2279,
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“We accept anybody’s ravings—we often print them!”
want to choose a Relative horizontal and vertical position. This
allows the image to move with the text. If you want the image to
remain absolutely at the bottom-left side of page one, then choose
an Absolute horizontal and vertical position. You don’t have to
locate or guess the position, just move the image and the new
position coordinates appear in the above box. All you have to do
is click Absolute or Relative, then click OK.
Once these decisions are settled, repeat the steps above to re-save
or re-export the file to a new PDF.
Export PDFs from Acrobat to Word
1. Open the new Adobe Acrobat DC (Document Cloud), and sign
2. Open a PDF file. In this case, we opened the file called Tea.pdf
3. Select File > Export To > Microsoft Word > Word Document
(or Word 97-2003 document), if applicable.
4. On the Save As PDF screen, name your file (or use the same
name), choose the Word extension (docx for 2007 through 2016
documents), and click Save.
NOTE: The first time, it takes a few seconds to a minute while
the Conversion Engine gets started. But, generally, after the first
one, they convert fairly fast.
ell it has been a rather quiet month down on the
south coast of Cambodia as far as expat news is
Lots of heavy rain persists, especially in Kampot,
which has resulted in more flooding and necessitated the releas-
ing of water from the Dam just at the time when the
rainfall raises the river. Commonsense to keep the lev-
els a little low in this heavily and long rainy season
appears to be non existent with the competent Authori-
ties, but then again, what is new about this?
Despite all the rain and the growth of fruit and other
flora, a group of concerned Kampotians decided to do
something about the plight of the poor dehydrated and
starving animals in the abysmal zoo that is just outside
Kampot. They put out a call fro containers of tap water
and fruit to feed the forlorn animals. Pity they only just
found out about this Zoo which has been open for
years. There must be a shortage of poor orphans to get
worried about. With a fair bit of effort maybe they will
soon have Kampot exactly as their home in the west.
There have been increasing complaints about noise
at night, especially from all these new bars, many of
which have been opened up by the second class citi-
zens/refugees from Sihanoukville. Apparently there
is an increasing and disconcerting amount of girly
type bars that are opening as well as a plethora of
new restaurants in an already overcrowded market.
Meanwhile in Sihanoukville things are continually
progressing towards total Chinese domination. A
recent news report stated that there could be as
many as 100,000 Chinese living in the area, how-
ever we doubt there are much more than a mere
50,000. Mind you with the constant number of new
projects announced there will need to be more and
more workers flown in as apparently the locals do
not wok fast enough or hard enough.
The number of mob/gang
fight incidents continue
to increase. There was
even one recently where
there was a group of Chi-
nese fighting a group
predominantly composed
of Russians. It appears
that someone got
stabbed, but not seriously
and that the fight was all
over a woman who pa-
raded her new friends
past her recently dumped
ex boyfriend.
There are reports of scan-
tily clad females dancing
provocatively on the
beach. Based on recorded
video footage this bad
influence is really just a
girl in normal bar girl
clothes, dancing in a
manneras if she was try-
ing to shake of some ants
from her body. But never let the truth get in the way of provid-
ing evidence of the bad moral influence that the new residents
are bringing to what was apparently a very peaceful place.
Sihanoukville is apparently not only peaceful, but it is also one
of the cleanest places in Cambodia. It is a wonder where the
judges found such a patch of ground to view to
make the award, perhaps they were looking at a
wall. So clean is Sihanoukville that the banner
showed that it was/is/has been awarded this
clean city status up until 2021. Hopefully there
will be some infrastructure in place by then, es-
pecially in regard to rubbish collection. This
should not be a problem as a large group of com-
petent authorities recently came down from the
Capital to study the situation.
As if the water supply problems are not bad
enough, the competent authorities recently began
filling in the fresh water reservoir behind inde-
pendence beach to provide some nice new sea
view plots of land. Apparently this reservoir is
not needed as the water now comes from Kabal-
Chaay and that is sufficient. We guess that the
definition of sufficient is a trickle of brackish
water out of the taps for a few hours every day.